Honestly, if I could make up stuff like this, I'd be a widly successful author. On Tuesday, someone from the Department of the What the F*** broke this news: Rolling Stones guitarist/voodoo priest Keith Richards -- aka The Man Who Just Won't Die -- finally admitted than in addition to a lifetime of snorting cocaine, heroin, table salt, baby penguins and thumb tacks, he also snorted his father's ashes. Sayeth Keith:

“The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME. “He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared," he said. "... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

But wait! Keith and the people who are probably not paid nearly enough to explain the words that tumble out of his mouth backpeddled today, insisting it was all just a bad April Fool's joke. An April Fool's joke that ran on, er, April 3rd.

"It was an off-the-cuff remark... file under April Fool's joke." Keith reportedly said. Since the topic of drug abuse was broached anyway, Keith opted to regale readers with stories of drugs he did try -- and some unwanted side effects.

"It was when someone put strychnine in my dope. It was in Switzerland. I was totally comatose, but I was totally awake. I could listen to everyone, and they were like, 'He's dead, he's dead!', waving their fingers and pushing me about, and I was thinking, 'I'm totally not dead!'"

So, for those of you just joining us, here's the quick recap. Keith Richards is not dead. He's 40 percent sure that he did not snort his dead father's ashes. If prompted, he will more likely than not drink a quart of motor oil to make you smile.

I know this has absolutely nothing to do with crime or Philadelphia, but I think we all needed that break from reality.