Below are thoughts from a soldier about his deployment, who at this point does not want to be identified. He did decide, however, that he wanted me to post them, as they might help others.
Anyway there will be billets for my MOS in plenty in July. That is good because it gives me more time to visit friends and family. They won't say it, when I visit, but they know and I know why I visit. Its to drink them in, too take in the way they smile and sound. The way they feel in my arms and hold onto it just in case I need it when I'm gone, and to give them a piece of me to hold. I wonder if other sons, daughters, husbands and wives, and mothers and fathers feel this way too before they leave. Of course they do and now it's my turn.
I did not think I would know what it feels like to deploy so soon. I thought it started on the tarmac, or when the plane touches down, but it has started now and I have been wrestling with this feeling, now for the first time after 6 years in. I could hear sadness in my baby sister Lisa's voice (she's 33 but she'll always be my baby sister.) My father said "Son, why?" I hadn't spoken to him in over 12 years. I called him yesterday. He called back and I answered "Sgt ---" on the phone. Imagine hearing your sons voice for the first time after that long. I was 24 years old then. He was 44 then, 8 years older than I am now. I suspect he knows why I called.
Flavia, this can be a sad business. It's not a game. What hurts, makes me scared I guess, is not what's over there, but the thought that I have people here that love me, in fear for me. I am awed by the people who have gone, come back, and have left again, and the families that they leave behind. Deployment has started now, I guess this is what it feels like. I just wanted to give you the feeling as it is happening, my first thoughts, as there is really no one else to share them with without upsetting them and I don't want to do that. it would be selfish. Hopefully, it can help you in some way with what you do. just for your eyes. I feel better for having written it and it is out. thanks
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Woah. I have not deployed, but this kinda gives me a taste. I can identify with not wanting to let on that there is anxiety.
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I just had my first dream about being there. There is a place I had often thought about as a young boy growing up in the shadow of Vietnam. Always wondering what made men volunteer to go to a place far away, what made them leave their families and what they know. How on earth, I thought, could they allow themselves to be put into the dodgeball ring with a chance of never coming out.
Dodgeball. Funny how I was always good at that game. It keeps returning back to me at different stages of life. Different things flying at me full speed, and me, moving at fast as I can. The last boy standing. Everyone on the sidelines waiting for the end. But I almost always lasted 'til the recess bell, the crowd of kids howling and clapping and then turning thier backs, filing into the classroom, and me, dusting my hands on my jeans, ball in hand, falling in behind them. Almost always.
And that is the chance you take. I decided that I could hide amongst the others, seeing them take their hits and falling out of the game. But sometimes you have to stand out against the skyline, in Iraq, at home, in your personal and professional life, thickening your skin, taking the hits, moving and dodging. At some point in my life I chose to live my life inside the ring and all that comes with it. I am not there alone, with my friends and family by my side, I will play and try to make a difference until the final bell.
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