You have heard about her work on the Today Show, in Vanity Fair, Newsweek, Business Week, Elle, Parenting, you name it. I am proud to say Leslie Lehr has become a citizen hunter and will be a regular guest blogger for our Work at Home Mom Corner.
Leslie is the author of several humorous parenting books. Mommy Wars, her new book about Working Moms versus Stay-at-home Moms, is excerpted in WAHM. Read her entries, share your stories, and ask her questions.
"The way to be a good mom is still a mystery and one that overlaps with how to be a good citizen and how to have a good life. Because being a good role model is also important. " Leslie
Being a stay at home mom is no picnic. Neither is being a working mom. All moms are worthy of respect.
Those of us who can still buy groceries on one income are lucky to have the choice of having a career in addition to the enormous job of being a mother. Despite knowing full well that it was impossible to have it all, at least at the same time, I was sort of pressured to stay home by the impossible hours and lack of family support of the careers my husband and I had chosen. Still, my attempt to be a good mom and still feed my ambition made me hate everyone.
I still am jealous of women who are completely at peace with staying home or vice versa, because trying to be a good citizen and be productive in society without living through the children and still raising the children to be productive good citizens is a real struggle. I hated working moms who had someone else to do the grunt-work and could afford luxuries and I hated stay at home moms who had time to read the newspaper and play tennis. In fact, today I am resentful that I have to cut my writing short - important stuff -because school gets out early and it's my carpool day.
But I recently spoke on a panel at a Wharton Business School Alumni breakfast and it was interesting to see what choices many smart young women were making. The new mothers tend to be very confused. Then they piece together temporary solutions which evolve into a new business model. Similar to how employees can no longer count on IBM to take care of them forever and must develop more individual careers, this new generation of mothers was starting to identify the painful and forced changes of motherhood as an example of how each person is a separate business, a business that is constantly re-evaluating and developing new strategy in order to be successful, that is, to raise beloved children and still have a separate identity and contribution to society.
Here's an excerpt from the book:
"What does Karen do all day?" she asked.
I hit Save on my computer while I frantically racked my brain for an answer appropriate for a twelve year old. She waved a Xerox from career day in front of my face as an explanation for her query. I scanned the career categories. "Mother" wasn't on the list.
Caty Joy had to know that Karen was PTA Vice President, Brownie troop leader, and Room Mother every year. How could she forget getting a ride home whenever I ran late? What about all the times I stashed her at Karen's house for an hour or two when I had to drive her sister somewhere? How could she take Karen so utterly for granted?
I had to think of an answer that would show how important stay-at-home-moms are, but not so important that Caty Joy would think of becoming one. She needed to multiply fractions so she could stay on the Honor Roll, get into an Ivy League college, and choose a good career. Something with an employment contract and stock options. Then, like a zap from Mother Nature, I remembered that Karen also did the books for her husband's small company. But if I mentioned that, would it take away the value of Karen's time at home and in the school? My brain seized from the mental whiplash.
"You know she volunteers a lot," I began. "Plus, she's a mom."
My daughter thought about this for a moment. She wiped cookie crumbs from her mouth and nodded.
"She's a good one," she said.
I smiled and blinked back tears. Did that mean I was not a good one? Should I have skipped that business call, and picked her up with a plate of warm cookies perched on top of the steering wheel? Then Caty Joy took a pencil from my desk and printed "Mother" on her list. I felt better.
I don't really hate anybody, especially not mothers. It's the hardest and most important job in the world. Yet we are important, too. There is no prefect way to be a mother - or even a way to know if you are a good one. So the real battle is raging in our heads - mine, anyway. I have no idea if my working at home has helped my daughters. The first time my daughter brought home a bad grade, I freaked out. I didn't give up my ambition of running Paramount Pictures for my daughter to fail a stupid math quiz. I felt like I failed. It took a really long time, but finally I realized that I didn't stay home for my daughter at all. I stayed home for me.
I just want to say that the best Marines have the best moms.
Their moms may not have always been available to their kids, but when they were - they made it count.
Every mom I've met had a different work schedule, lifestyle, and temperment, but the one thing they've had in common was a considerate, unselfish nature.
And thank goodness for that. Lord knows where some of them learned to clean their barracks rooms!
DNCO Bks#769 4/6/06 - 4/7/07
Naval Support Activity
Algiers, LA
She is a lucky Mom, that doesnt have to depend on an absent parent for child support. As Im sure you are aware, too many parents, Moms & Dads, have to do the job of both parents because of one parent being absent and nonsupportive.
Posted by: steven kaplan at April 7, 2006 09:04 AMI agree completely - and essays by other contributors in the Mommy Wars anthology bear this out. In my case, I felt like a single mom since my husband was usually out of town. I'm divorced now; a single mom by definition. So maybe I have a better excuse to work. (Now I hate women with generous child support. Kidding!) In any case, fathers are the secret weapon in the motherhood debate. A whole 'nother discussion.
Posted by: Leslie Lehr at April 7, 2006 01:05 PMTell us something about yourself, Leslie. How many kids do you have? Just your twelve-year-old? How is your home situation? I could better understand where you are coming from if I knew more about you!
(Don't have the money to shell out for that anthology, I'm afraid.)
Posted by: Natasha at April 7, 2006 04:22 PMThis isn't going to be another one of those 'mom blogs' where the mother only talks about herself, right? Involve the children! I have hope for this one; don't let me down!
Posted by: pj rio at April 7, 2006 07:22 PMOkay, I'll spill. I have two daughters, 14 and 16. I'm newly divorced with full custody, working from home and trying to have a life as well. I have been having an identity crisis ever since my oldest was born because I was an ambitious career women in the film industry who wrote for fun then segued into writing as a profession in order to be with the kids. Now that I'm am established writer, the irony is that I'm known as a mom. PJ,I don't want to talk about me, but about the challenges of being a good mom and a good person and a good role model - citizen, as Flavia would say. My oldest daughter is in that high pressure zone of thinking about college, so I wonder how she will balance life and family an ambition as well. That said, I want to protect my chldren's privacy as much as possible, so by necessity, I will have to talk a bit about myself, at least in terms of my perspective. So my goal here is to open a dialogue and get other people's perspective on what it means to be a good mom while being a good ciizen and how to raise kids that are educated and actively involved while still allowing them to enjoy being kids. And most importantly, so that they are happy. What do you think?
Now that's what I like to see!
I look forward to more updates from you in the future.
-Fellow divorcee/work-at-home mom, PJ
Posted by: pj rio at April 7, 2006 09:25 PMHi Leslie-
It's good to hear from you again! This is a very intersting discussion, so I thought I would put in my thoughts. I have two children, ages 31 and 25, and I would give anything to have been able to stay home and be with my children. But I had no choice but to work, so as soon as my babies were 6 weeks old, they went into a day care center. Talk about guilt trips! Anyway, I sincerely believe that children need to be at home with their mothers, if at all possible, at least until they begin kindregarten. I'll stop here, because I could write a short novella on the "why's"!!
Linda Bell
Hi, Leslie! I have a rather different perspective on motherhood than a lot of women I know and a lot of women I read about in other blogs. This is because I am a psychologist who sees both children as young as eight and adults as old as eighty. I see both ends of the spectrum. It has definitely affected how I parent my children. When my oldest daughter (now seventeen) was in middle school, she hated how I would 'analyze' everything.
I noticed your remarks about college pressure and such. This is an area where I have a great amount of expertise because the amount of families who come in with issues centered around their seniors is rather staggering.
I'm leaving it up to my daughter to say 'go', because I don't want to exhaust the issue before she even has to start looking next fall. Certainly, I would like to be there helping my daughter with every baby step, but that could be potentially disastrous. Especially when you are home a lot; your kids directly affect a lot of what you do, even if they don't come out of their room. You feel the necessity to check up on them, tell them to brush their hair or go to bed or do their chores. It's a natural instinct.
However, it's a very dangerous instinct, because when when you push, push, push, you push your child away. My sister-in-law is the one I often use as an example. She stayed at home all through her childrens' lives. She has two boys and a girl. Her daughter was the oldest and since my sister-in-law had given up her dreams, she made sure that the path for her daughter was clear. Unfortunately, her daughter no longer speaks to her. She is twenty-five and still affected by the overcompensation.
Not many work-at-home or stay-at-home moms end up going off the deep end, but it's a warning that any mother should have.
As a work-at-home mom with a very stable profession (I get the feeling that writing can be a rollercoaster), I haven't had much in the way of internal conflict about what I'm doing. This is the job I wanted. I stopped working until my oldest went into kindergarten, which was when my second was born, and took off another two years, sending my youngest to preschool so I could go back to work.
I'm really curious about this Mommy Wars anthology, but it appears that the link to the website isn't working?
Posted by: Kim Ashley at April 8, 2006 07:20 PMKim, Try www.Mommywars.net for the link - and thanks for the college tips. I especially loved how you nailed the endless instinct to take care of your children even when they are teens - and don't come out of their room. Was that you lurking in my hallway? What excellent words of warning, thanks. Yes, writing is a rollarcoaster and now I have lots of meetings in town as well (beyond the class at at UCLA) and my daughter said recently I was neglectful by not picking her up. Spoiled or lazy, I couldn't, I was too busy laughing. But secretly woried that she really believed that. They want you, they don't want you, the push and pull is the only constant. As exhausting as having young chldren is, the stakes seem higher and the emotional challenge just as exhausting. Is it better to go to work when they are older, or is it even more improtant to stick around?
And Linda, thanks for joining us. Maybe this is the best place to start that "novella". Did your babies have a loving caretaker? Can you tell the difference now between them and others who went straight to daycare now that they are grown? And since it they are grown now, does the fact that daycare was less common then influence your guilt or their well-being? Or is it that you miss those milestone moments...
So many things to talk about, join us!
Posted by: Leslie Lehr at April 8, 2006 09:41 PMWhen my babies were so young, it was so hard to leave them at daycare for a number of reasons. They were usually crying for me as I walked away; I did miss out on a lot by only seeing them at night (when I was tired) and on weekends; they were exposed to a lot of germs and had a lot of colds; I was sure no one would give them the love and attention that I wanted them to have (it's hard to give a lot of attention to one baby when there are 10-15 babies in the room!) But they have grown up quite well, in spite of it all; I have a great relationship with both my children, which I don't think would have been any better had I stayed home with them. So, I think it's very hard to say if they would have been any happier or well-adjusted if I had stayed home. I just wish that I had had more time with them.
Posted by: Linda Bell at April 9, 2006 08:27 PM"Is it better to go to work when they are older, or is it even more improtant to stick around?"
I certainly recall asking myself that many, many times. There are those kids who fall into bad behavior without someone there to monitor them, and then there are those who thrive on their own. How do you know which is which? You can't know. Personally, I give my older daughter a great deal of space, as she'll be on her own in a year, anyway. My youngest is the one I check up on. Maybe the situation would be different if both of my daughters were constant socializers.
Posted by: Kim Ashley at April 10, 2006 12:19 AMgood work leslie. this is certainly one of the most important issues for mankind and womankind throughout the world and throughout history.
Posted by: kevin colgan at April 11, 2006 05:21 PM