The Hortisexual

I am a hortisexual American.

My wife puts up with it. My daughters suffer me. My friends just ask for advice.

The seeds of my infatuation with the Goddess Flora were first sown back in the day when I was still being called to dinner by the name Johnnie. Since those earliest flings with Jersey tomatoes I’ve had my way with many a plot of virgin garden soil.

A hortisexual is to plants and gardening what a metrosexual is to grooming and clothes.

I have no will power against the insatiable desire to acquire annuals and perennials. I can’t pass a garden center on the way home from work without stopping for just a quick look around. The lady behind the check out counter has seen my type. She knowingly taunts me, “How about one more for your cart.”

Oh well, it’s buy 2 get 1 free. What’s the harm in one more hosta for the road?

The other day the UPS guy left a box of seedlings at the front door. Yet I can’t recall why I ordered them from the catalog back in February.

It doesn’t stop with the nursery candy. Shelves sag with books about gardens and gardening. The nightstand is stacked with dog-eared copies of Horticulture, Fine Gardening and, yes, I’ll admit it, Martha Stewart Living. The shed out back overflows with pots, terra cotta and glazed. Tools: how many trowels can a person with just two hands possibly use???

While others of my gender eagerly await the arrival of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue to thaw the late winter chill, I’m watching the mailbox for the first nursery catalogs of the season.

OK, that’s an exaggeration.

Becoming trained as a Master Gardener took my affliction to a whole new level.

Never before have I been so sensorially aware of every tree, shrub, and flower around me.

Lately, when I suggest a walk around our neighborhood, my wife and ‘tween daughter are “busy.” Could it be my habit of calling out botanical names of the flora along the way?

I don’t just take time to stop and smell the roses. I check for black spot.

Last summer my family visited more public gardens than amusement parks. Every visit to Longwood and Chanticleer left me green with plant envy.

You get the idea: gardening is my passion. Er, I mean after my wife and daughters.

So if you share these symptoms (or you want to be infected too), log on to my blog once in a while for a download of some Master Gardener 411, mixed in with a few stories and observations.

BTW, blogging is a “contact” sport. Click Comments and get into the game . . . even if just to tell me I’m full of composted manure!

I broke open a bag of “chocolate” right after breakfast this morning.

Not bon bons. Mulch. View image

Cocoa shell mulch polarizes gardeners the way Hillary divides voters.

Weed haters love it; animal lovers hate it.

It’s made from the shells of roasted cocoa beans used in the chocolate-making process.

I’m in the pro-cocoa shell mulch camp. My olfactory senses (a.k.a. the schnoz) are greeted by pleasing aromas of chocolate blended with a hint of lilac as I step out my front door these days.

There’s no fudging the facts (I couldn’t resist) about the benefits of cocoa shell mulch:

100% natural, all organic
No dyes
Prevents weed germination
Conserves soil moisture
Improves soil texture
Deters insects (slugs hate it!)
Keeps its looks for a few seasons
Lightweight and easy to spread

Cocoa shell mulch adds organic matter and nutrients to the soil as it breaks down, unlike manufactured mulches that actually rob the soil of nutrients. It contains nitrogen, phosphate and potash.

The stuff is even environmentally PC: it’s recycled! For example, Hershey Foods in central PA generates more than 10,000 tons of the stuff annually making chocolate goodies, that would otherwise end up in a landfill.

Bottomline: cocoa shell mulch looks good and smells great. Kinda like the perfect date!

Dog owners will growl (I couldn’t resist that either) if I don’t mention the potential health hazard for pets.

You see, like all chocolate products, cocoa shell mulch contains theobromine, a naturally occurring stimulant. No problem for humans; but toxic for animals, especially dogs.

According to veterinary research a 20 pound dog would need to ingest 2/3 of a gallon of cocoa shell mulch to be adversely affected.

Dogs are more affected than cats. Mainly because dogs are indiscriminate snackers, while cats are finicky gourmets.

Best not to spread cocoa shell mulch around your roses if Rover has a habit of gulping down everything in sight.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I don’t have pets.

So keep your mutt out of my mulch!

;-)

After squeezing the last remaining molecules of gel from the toothpaste tube for a week, I broke down and drove to the pharmacy to buy more.

I stopped in at the local chain drug store. You know, one of those places where the name begins with “C,” “E” or “W” and also serves as card shop, grocery store, automotive supply, photo center, office supply and toy store.

Add garden center to the list.

Next to the oral hygiene section was a sales display of rose plants. Hybrid tea and climbers.

Not far away, on the endcap of the laxatives aisle were bags of potting soil. I’m fairly certain it’s not being sold as a fiber supplement.

Do you think the clerk restocking shampoo can tell me which of the rose varieties on the shelf are resistant to Botrytis blight? Or maybe I could ask the pharmacist to recommend something to lower my pH.

I’m all for exposing a wider audience to the joy of gardening, particularly
Generation X and Millenials. I’m not so sure the best approach includes offering flowering shrubs alongside cold and allergy remedies.

What do you think?

Hmm. On second thought, I wonder whether my HMO prescription plan covers landscape plants purchased at a pharmacy?

OMG, it’s Memorial Day Weekend and my garden is as barren as the Phillies’ bullpen!

What self-respecting Master Gardener has bare beds, empty pots, unclipped hedges and weeds running amuck this late in May!

While my Master Gardener colleagues are exchanging leftover seedlings, I’m frantically dialing catalog nurseries in search of those now out-of-stock plants I should have ordered back in February and March.

Between my paying job (they actually expect me in the office Monday-Friday during Spring!), my Master Gardener duties, and parenting (a.k.a. Dad’s Taxi Service), the season has nearly gotten away from me.

I should have taken a week of vacation dedicated to planting and mulching like Inky garden writer Ginny Smith.

Several years ago I found myself similarly garden-less, with the Independence Holiday fast approaching. Any annuals and perennials remaining by that time at nurseries in South Jersey were less than desirable. So I packed up my wife and then-toddler, and drove north to a lower USDA Hardiness Zone - - where the planting season wasn’t as advanced - - hoping to find fresher selection. First to northwestern Connecticut and then on to Vermont.

I’m serious!

With gasoline at 3 bucks a gallon I don’t want to repeat that road trip.

Enough stalling. It’s out to the yard!

P.S. - I'll be back next week with gardening info you can use.

Come out to the Lewis W. Barton Arboretum and Nature Preserve in Medford, New Jersey this Thursday evening, May 31.

I'll be presenting a lecture titled:

Palms for the Pinelands -- Wacky Weather, Shifting Hardiness Zones, and Microclimates in your Garden View image

The program begins 7 p.m.

The price is right: F-R-E-E!

Reservations requested. Call 609-654-3000.

The Arboretum is located on the campus of Medford Leas, off Route 70 in Medford. Directions

After the lecture, enjoy a sunset stroll among the Arborteum's 168-acre collection of trees, shrubs and flowers for some inspiration for your own landscape.

The Arboretum is maintained by the Horticulture Department of Medford Leas in consultation with the staff of the Morris Arboretum of the University of Pennsylvania, and is a member of the Greater Philadelphia Gardens, a consortium of outstanding public gardens in the Delaware Valley.

Hope to see you there!