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I've still got to go out to the Stop and Shop and get my nacho ingredients and a bunch of chicken wings. My wife's going to make her special nachos. Oh, and I have to get some beer, too. I have to be on the same wavelength as everybody else. My friend was there at 8:30 this morning (amateur chef, needed leeks for his chicken stock, doesn't even know who's playing today): "Man, the whole store was full of *dudes*!" They had the fruit section all set up like a living room, stacked to the ceiling with bags of chips. Nutrition goes out the window today.

I'm not writing about the sports coverage, even though that excruciating John Madden imitator
(how low is that for a career choice?) makes it hard. Nope, like it says, this is about the Super Bowl Ads. Now, I do have a buck or two on the Giants, with the points, and $10 that the first coach's challenge will result in the overturning of the penalty, and a couple of other bets like that. So I may not be able to hold back all the time. But still, ads, ads, ads.

Oh, wait, this Declaration of Independece thing isn't an ad, or is it? Well, it can never hurt to recite The Declaration of Independence, I guess, and Independence Hall looks nice. Maybe we should replace the Constitution with the NFL Charter, or the Fox articles of incorporation.

The smell of the nacho goop (Old El Paso taco mix, is there any other?) is wafting from the kitchen. The guacamole (Concord Foods mix, and two really nice avocados from a bodega we went by in Brooklyn yesterday) is steeping in the fridge. The Sierra Nevada Early Spring Beer is next to it. Doubt any of those brands will be in the ads, but maybe they'll send me some samples. Funny, how the United States' modern organic holiday (more chow today than any other day of the year but Thanksgiving) revolves around Mexican food.

Did you say "wow" when they opened that skinny thing? I want one now. (I'm going to give quick letter grades to the commercials as they go by. And, because I have TiVo and never look at ads, I'll probably be real impressed with some you've seen a few hundred times. The grades will probably be inflated, too, since this is my first HD Supe -- on my new Samsung. It sure looks nice. Go out and get one.) B

It just went from Giants +12.5 to +13. Call your bookies. Just the ads, I promise. But the whole thing just has so many exciting components, and how about that Jordin Sparks?

Fire-breathing Bud Light: Lame. D
Audi: Old Luxury. Beautiful and Surprising. May your first child be a masculine child and not be stuck in some stinkin' Mercedes. That chateau looks like Joe Buck's house. B+

Pepsi Max: What is Love? Don't Hurt Me! I *love* that song! And I love comb-overs. Worth a lot of giggles. Makes me completely forget the Uh-Huh Girls. A-.
Sales Genie: Cheesy. If you're only gonna do one ad, it better be better than this. C-

Bud Light guys sneaking their swill into the classy party. Now, this one was really cheesy, and funny enough. B
UnderArmour: It's great when an ad has super giant production values, but what are they selling? B- (for now).

Bridgestone Tires: I *love* animal ads. It's early, but this may be the best one that this Super Bowl offers. Can it get any better? You could just feel the horror in that little green bug's heart. And my heart went out to that poor little squirrel. Thank goodness he's still eating the acorn.
A+

I don't care who uses your product, but if it's some hateful New York Yankee like Derek Jeter, I know I won't be copying the behavior. Take your GatorAde and dump it on the coach's head. D.

You know that the ads have ads? Go, Daddy had me clicking to their website yesterday looking for Danica Patrick to take off her jacket. But it wasn't happening. Now, 8 million American men are dumping the football game, not to check out this rocking blog, but to go to GoDaddy.com and look at the continuation of the ad. Good use of 30 seconds and $1.4 million.
(But not the greatest commercial). C

You go, Hank. Of course the Rocky theme strikes home with this Philly boy, but then everything about the rejected Budweiser Clydesdale's move to make the team was just perfect. A

Leatherheads, Wanted, whichever. Ads for movies should be good, with all the creative power and money behind them. But when you make Harry Kalas the announcer, you've got something.
No grades for movies.

What do lizards have to do with bottled water? Don't ask me, but they were fun to watch, along with Naomi Campbell. Wish I could remember the name of that water, though. B.

Who can keep up with all this stuff?

Giant Fed-Ex Pigeon. Variation on a theme, done with panache, but not exactly earth-moving, despite the mayhem. B-
Foreign dudes pronouncing Bud Lite. Another variation, not so good. It's tough to compete with the ongoing stories of the Clydesdales over the years. With Hank the horse already pulling at our heartstrings in this Supe, continuations of other ongoing stories will be hard-pressed to keep up. C-
Badger in the Toyota. B-

Check out the latest ad babe. She's smokin'! I'm nuts for her! Please pass the Planters. A-

Sobe Life Water. That's what it is. I'll be sure to pick some up. Oh, wait, it comes in the environmentally destroying plastic bottle. Not a lot of life there. And where's the GEICO lizard in all that bunch? I hope Tom Petty plays a real long time because I'm free-falling into insulin shock. I haven't had a bite the whole first half! What kind of Super Bowl is that?

Petty and the Breakers: Geezers, but I love 'em.
Actually, it's a little like the game itself, low energy but pretty well-played.

What was that? Of course, brilliant! 48 million people have heartburn *right now*!

Nice comeback in the second half by Cars.com. Can the Giants do the same thing? Maybe they could sneak this guy in behind the Patriots bench. B+

That cute little squirrel in the first half, Richard Simmons in the second half. Come on, you were wishing the tires would fail, and Ritchie would get knocked out of his shorts, weren't you? A

You can do all you want with the greatest ads in the world, but if you're behind by four touchdowns in the third quarter, there's not a lot of hope. B-

E-Trade: So easy a baby could lose his shirt. This economy's enough to make anybody vomit. Different and fun. B+

Bud Lite Flying. Lame, again, like the fire breathing. D

Well, I guess they're watching, too. What do I know? C+

And this was a very elegant ad for Coke, so nice that Charlie Brown aced out sleazy Stewie to get the bottle balloon, but Pepsi's ahead at this Super Bowl. B+

*And look at these Giants!!!!!*

See the GatorAde comments. Be careful who you choose to sell your stuff. 1) Bill Frist and James Carville made money off this Coke ad, and that's annoying. 2) Everybody knows politicians never have *any* friends. C+

When you're surprised, you don't have a whole lot of time to get critical. One E-Trade baby ad: Cool. Two E-Trade baby ads: Not so hot. In fact, a little creepy. C-

GatorAde redeems itself with the slurpy puppy dog. I'm prejudiced both ways, but nobody doesn't like a Labrador retriever. B+

And now you've made me mad. "We're not sure what the USA AdMeter will think of this commercial tomorrow." Who cares about USA Today when you've got the definitive goods right here? F-

Oh, my goodness. I'll take 12 dozen. Double A+. Or at least a B.
(And no silly bra-size jokes here, no matter how easy they would be. I've only had two beers.)

Who cares about these ads, anyway?

Perhaps the best game ever played in the finals, and a lot of the commericals weren't so bad, either:

1) The Squirrel Is Saved. Combined with Richard Simmons avoiding doom, Bridgestone Tires emerges as a surprise winner, just like the Giants.
2) Hank the Horse Makes First Team. Another Clydesdale ad keeps the tradition going.
3) Unibrow Planter's Nut Girl. You watch how famous she's going to be.
4) Audi -- Mercedes in the bed horsehead. On second consideration, the Godfather riff moves into the Top 5.
5) Wake Up, People. Pepsi-Cola. Has my head been spun around by spending too many nights at the Roxbury?

Okay, here's the deal.

Trade rumors are mother's milk this time of year. Dealing in them is a bad idea.

First, 99 44/100s of all trade rumors are unadulterated garbage. Junk. Swill. They are lies made up by agents who want their clients traded because they aren't playing or because they need to leave town quickly, if you know what I'm saying, or by general managers who want to dump overpaid talent that hasn't contributed anything of importance since the first Clinton Administration. (There is a third category--people in my business that don't have the first clue as to what a fact is. You know who you are.)

Second, the fact that so many people propagate this swill means that I have to waste valuable drinking time chasing all of these false leads down. (Me, to GM: "Are you really trading Dwight Howard for Steve Blake? I read it on (insert unreliable website name here)." GM, to me: "How did you get this number?")

Third, the picture they have of me over there is dreadful. I look like I just woke up from a nap. (Photo Department: You did some really nice pictures of me last year. I had a sports coat on and everything. Please, find them.) Come on, I don't want people linking to a site where I look like I've just finished running a mile. (Shut up! I can, too!)

But I'm told that you all like these screwy rumors, so I am going ahead with this for a few days, with a few caveats: 1) I am not going to respond to, or chase down, other people's rumors. So don't bother sending them. Which leads to 2) Everything I post here is based on what I have heard or what people I trust have told me. 3) I will happily post denials from GMs/coaches/presidents/owners about these rumors if they call or otherwise contact me. 4) If it involves the 76ers, of course I'll let you know. But if it doesn't, I'll let you know, anyway.

So, here goes.

The Sixers are getting Dwight Howard!

Kidding!

If Jerry Stackhouse hadn't opened up his yap, and Devean George didn't have delusions of grandeur, the Jason Kidd deal would have been done last week. But they did, and that's why the Mavericks had to substitute Keith Van Horn and Trenton Hassell for Stackhouse and George to try and make the deal work. (As of this minute, Van Horn has still not agreed to come out of limbo and play for New Jersey.)

And, yes, Aaron McKie--the former Sixers' assistant coach who became part of the Pau Gasol trade to the Lakers, because McKie, who hadn't played this season, was still on Los Angeles' books, and thus eligible to be traded--plays a part in this. That precedent helps the league look at a return to play by Van Horn--last on the Dallas team that lost the 2006 Finals to Miami--in a better light.

Here's what Joel Litvin, the NBA's Basketball Operations President and chiefest of lawyers when it comes to the league's rules, said on Saturday in New Orleans:

"We talked to (McKie) and his agent (Leon Rose), and we spoke to the Grizzlies. And we said 'hey, if this guy, who did play last year, by the way, intends to resume his career, then they can do a sign-and-trade with him.' In fact, he signed a contract, he reported to Memphis, and he's on their roster, and he's practicing with them. If someone presented a sign-and-trade with, you know, Kareem, we would say no, out of the box, because that's not legitimate. It's done on a case-by-case basis."

So, how long does Van Horn have to actually play in New Jersey? One game? One week? The rest of the season?

"I can't answer that. It's a hypothetical. It's got to be bona fide, and the player has to have an interest in resuming his career, and that certainly was the case with Aaron McKie, as has been evidenced by the subsequent events."

So, could a guy who was out of action 20 years come back if he hasn't officially retired or been waived by his old team?

"There is a circumvention in our CBA (Collective Bargaining Agreement) for this very reason...a 50-year-old player, you would say no, out of the box. Aaron McKie, think what you might, he did play last year. I know he was in Philadelphia, working as an assistant coach. We have to make these calls sometimes."

Though Litvin wouldn't talk specifically about Van Horn, it's clear the league will allow it--in some part due to McKie's case.

The Raptors, looking for a defensive swingman to put on the Paul Pierces and Caron Butlers of the world in the playoffs, are interested in Mickael Pietrus, the Warriors' small forward who's fallen out of favor in Golden State. You may recall a certain sage advocating that the home team get in the bidding for Pietrus.

The names I've heard that Toronto is using as bait are Joey Graham and Juan Dixon. Of course, the Raptors wouldn't talk about names. That's okay; that's what we're here for. I guess.

This is sad...

(I saw this originally on Deadspin.)

I hope Vinny gets things in order. He's a good guy who's tried to please, maybe too much. I always thought things went south for him once he went to Seattle and tried to hang with Gary Payton. Big mistake. (GP and Rod Strickland are the only two guys in my era that could drink all night and have a double-double the next day with a noon tipoff. Indestructable.)

And, no, the Sixers shouldn't sign him.

Kidd to Dallas. He's flying there Tuesday morning, according to someone who would know. All Kidd wanted was one last shot while he still has something in the tank.

This sets up a titanic struggle in the west, with Dallas putting Kidd, Dirk Nowitzki and Josh Howard up against the Lakers' trio of Kobe Bryant, Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol; the Spurs' Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker; and the Suns' Shaq-Steve Nash-Amare Stoudemire threesome. (Just a notch below: Utah's Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer and Mehmet Okur, and the Hornets' Chris Paul, David West and Tyson Chandler.)

Awaiting the survivor: Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen, or Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton, Rasheed Wallace and Tayshaun Prince.

I read a lot of writers gassing about how great New Orleans was, and it was, because the people could not have been nicer or tried harder all weekend, and the league couldn't have put more effort into its assistance to the still-rebuilding city. But what they're really talking about is how good the league's elite teams are this season. Yes, most of the east stinks. But there have never been more teams that have a realistic chance at winning a championship. I just named more than a quarter of the league. (And that doesn't count teams like Cleveland, Denver, Orlando and Houston that no one would want to face in the first round.)

We're back to the days when the Lakers brought the likes of Michael Cooper and Mychal Thompson off their bench, and the Celtics had a Bill Walton or a Tiny Archibald or a Scott Wedman at the end of their careers. When Detroit brought a not-yet-crazy Dennis Rodman, John Salley and Vinnie Johnson off the pine. When the elite teams weren't just good, they were deep.

UPDATE: A couple of guys with Western Conference, playoff teams--guys I really respect--have both said the same thing independent of one another--they're thrilled that Devin Harris is out of the conference. One guy said Harris gave his player--who you saw in Sunday's All-Star game--fits at the offensive end. Harris is just too quick to be believed.

UPDATE II: Here's Cuban's take.

What do the Celtics do to shore themselves up for the stretch drive? Their pursuit of Sam Cassell is well-known, but Clippers owner Donald Sterling, to date, has been reluctant to buy Cassell out of the final year of his contract ($6.1 million). And the Celtics aren't going to make a trade by Thursday's deadline.

So they'll keep an eye on the Kings, who acquired point guards Anthony Johnson and Tyronn Lue last weekend in the Mike Bibby trade. Sacramento traded Bibby, in part, to give Beno Udrih every chance to show he's a lead guard. So they can't keep Udrih, Johnson and Lue on the roster. The C's hope that either Johnson or Lue is cast off by Sacramento and that they can pick one of them up.

Both Johnson and Lue have had playoff success. Johnson, you may recall, scored a career-high 40 points just two years ago in the playoffs for the Pacers in a first-round series against the Nets. Lue, you definitely recall, gave Allen Iverson fits on defense in the 2001 Finals when he played for the Lakers.

Now that Jason Kidd is a Maverick, who's the next major shoe to drop? Jermaine O'Neal? Well, the Pacers have told people that everyone on their roster except for Danny Granger is available. But O'Neal's big bucks ($21.3 million next season; $23 million in 2009-10) are prohibitive for most teams, and his injury troubles of late only make things worse. Still, it wouldn't shock if the Nets took a flier on him for, say, Vince Carter, as has been written about for weeks by reputable people.

Ron Artest? Denver, as any sentinent being knows by now, is interested. But the Kings have been insisting that emerging forward Linas Kleiza be involved in any deal, and the Nuggets have been resisting, prefering to build a package around Eduardo Najera and draft picks. There may be another western team emerging. We'll let you know as this develops.

Modestly, I think this is a pretty good synopsis of what went so very wrong for Jason Kidd the first time he was in Dallas...

By the way, there is no stipulation in Keith Van Horn's deal that he has to play in New Jersey for x number of days or games, according to numerous sources that were involved in the discussions from various entities. It was very important to all parties--including, importantly, Van Horn--that his return to the NBA not be viewed as some sort of sham or travesty. So he reports, the team takes a look at him, and if he plays, he plays, and if he doesn't, he doesn't. No Get Out of Jail Free card after a month.

You cannot emphasize how important it was for this trade to go through. The alternative was an unhappy Kidd in New Jersey, in the shadow of the league's headquarters, going through the motions for another two months. While in Dallas, you'd have a young point guard in Devin Harris who was clearly aware how much no one believed in him trying to run a championship contending team in the postseason. You'd have the Mavericks' star player, Dirk Nowitzki--who advocated very strongly for this deal--wondering if Mark Cuban was all talk and no action. And can you imagine what Devean George would have had to endure?

Keith Van Horn, an eminently likeable fellow anyway, has made himself a lot of friends around the league this week.

Told you earlier that there may be another west team besides Denver that's trying to get Ron Artest. It's the Rockets, who've been quiet so far while other contenders have loaded up. From what I understand, Rick Adelman, who had Artest the last year Adelman was in Sacramento, is okay with a reunion.

The Kings, I'm told, would want rookie point Aaron Brooks (who played college ball at relatively nearby Oregon) in any package for Artest. Quite correctly, the Rockets are saying no. Brooks has a chance to be a star; there aren't five guys in the league quicker with the ball than he is. Nuggets, as I told you earlier, are trying for Ron-Ron as well.

Judging by the e-mails I received after Tuesday's column pointing out that Billy King may have not been a colossal boob, the haters' heads are going to explode after seeing this. I guess Ed Stefanski, who would have surprised no one by bringing in his own guy to coach the team next season, is an idiot, too, right?

Haven't heard the Sixers involved in anything at all--not even a minor deal. No one has blown their doors off on an offer for Andre Miller, either, I'm told. It's increasingly clear that, while LeBron would love to have him in Cleveland, Miller will stay here and roll over into 2008-09, when he'll be entering the final year of his contract and he'll be even more valuable in a trade. (And it gives Lou Williams another two months to show he's ready to take over.)

Ed Stefanski is about to fly over to Europe to do some scouting, so it certainly doesn't seem like anything is imminent or even worth sticking around to haggle over the phone. (Yes, I know they have phones in Europe, but it's much easier to talk to your bosses when you can just go down the hall.) When guys leave the country, there's nothing cooking.