Great Expectations

I tell him: Here's what you have to do. You have to say that Nutter isn't black enough to be a black mayor.

Fattah says: Hmmm, last time I saw him Nutter looked black to me. I mean, there's that sort of French-looking goatee, but….

I say: Chaka, I am speaking metaphorically! Go after him. You have to attack, attack, attack!

Next, I call Bob Brady and say:

Bob, what the heck is happening to your campaign? You are stuck, dead in the water, at 10 percent. Can't you ramp it up to go after Nutter. The poll say he is one step closer to winning!

Brady says: Yo, Mr. Mayor, it's not like I haven't been trying. But, as I was telling the ward leaders the other day, for some reason, it doesn't seem like people see me as a reformer. And they are into this whole reform thing.

I tell him: Bob, you have to attack, attack, attack! Here's my thought. Why not go after Nutter for being too black to be mayor. That'll rile up your white supporters.

Brady says: With all due respect, I'm not going to do that. It won’t work. The way I figure it, if I lose this, I'll just write it off to experience and go back to Congress.

I scream: AAARRRGGGHHH and I hang up.

I cry out : Will no one rid me of this meddlesome politician?

I pick up the phone and call my trusted former aide de camp Shawn Fordham.

I say: Shawn, Nutter is one step closer to winning. You must stop him today! You must attack, attack, attack!

Shawn says: On what basis? He's not open to attack on a lot of fronts.

I say: Do some TV ads that say he is my enemy. How about this as a slogan: "If You Love John Street, You'll Hate Michael Nutter." That should do the trick.

Shawn says: Hmmm, I don't know quite how to put this, but let's just say that would not be the best message to get out. I do have an idea, though. I think we can attack Nutter for being anti-black for support this stop-and-frisk stuff. He is against black guys with illegal guns from going into black neighborhoods to shoot black people. He's trying to stop black-on-black crime at the expense of black criminals! That's in violation of their civil rights. How's that?

I say: Wonderful! At last. Someone with a plan. I'll do anything I can to help you, Shawn. Want to me to make some calls and see if I can round up some money?

Shawn replies: Yes, but keep it under the radar. These committees are supposed to be independent of any candidate.

I reply: Well, you've been around a long time. You know what's appropriate. All I want you to do it attack, attack, attack Nutter. He is one step closer and he cannot win. I will not have it!

Shawn says: Message received. Over and out.

At last, we have loosed the dogs of war on Mr. Na-Na- Smarty Pants Michael Nutter.
Revenge will be mine, dear diary, revenge will be mine. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

And so to bed.
- Tom Ferrick